The Thirteenth Christmas
I know many people whose favorite seasons are fall and winter, mostly because of the holidays and the joy they bring. I am no different, but this time of year marks a very special anniversary for me that has really carved the seasons of fall and winter deep into my heart.
Thirteen years ago, I was pregnant at the young age of 18 and due to deliver a baby boy in December. It was a very difficult time for me. It was an unplanned pregnancy for my boyfriend, Carlos and me, and we knew we had big decisions in our very near future. We had just graduated high school and my dreams of college were quickly slipping away. I desperately wanted to be a mother to this baby I loved so much, but I knew that babies could not survive on love alone. We decided it would be foolish not to consider adoption. Still, we struggled with the choice- how do you choose a family that is right for your baby? It wasn’t long before that question was answered.
Lisa was my aunt’s sister-in-law. She and her husband, Al were awaiting the arrival of a baby girl they were to adopt in the summer of 1997, but when the baby was born, the mother changed her mind and the adoption fell through. They were heart-broken. I had just shared my pregnancy news with my mother when I was told of their story. In their sorrow, I heard the gentle whisper of the Lord; this was the loving couple He had created for my son. I wish that I could tell you it was a moment of joy, but I was truly overwhelmed with sadness for I finally understood that he was not meant to be my son, though he would always be just that in my heart. I pushed through my sadness and shared my revelation with Carlos. He agreed and we shared our decision with our families and Lisa and Al. They were over the moon, but cautious – their scars were still healing from the last baby they gave their hearts to. I included them in as much of the pregnancy as I could, but I made sure to treasure the moments that remained with my sweet baby boy. As the leaves of fall began to change and the temperature gradually cooled, I would often visit the neighborhood park and sit quietly beside the pond with my arms tightly wrapped around my belly, as though I could keep him there forever. I would whisper all my hopes and dreams to him, and he always seemed to stir at just the right time, as if to acknowledge my love for him. I spent much of the fall lost in these precious moments, but they passed far too quickly. The minutes turned to hours, hours to days, and days to weeks. As the mild Texas winter came, so did our baby boy. On December 8, 1997, Zach was born.
It was an emotional day; the proverbial rollercoaster of elation and fear and sorrow. I had been so anxious to meet him, but the excitement was over shadowed by my fear; it felt like the beginning of the end. Amidst a roomful of people, the nurse placed him in my arms and all the world faded away along with my sadness. It was just the two of us. I knew our time was short, but how could I be sad with this beautiful child, this gift from God in my arms? He was absolutely perfect and I knew the Lord had great plans for him though I would watch from a distance.
The days that followed passed very quickly and before I knew it, the day had come for me to go home. I chose not to see him the morning I left. I wasn’t sure I could say goodbye, though at the time, I thought I would see him soon and often. It was a verbal arrangement made between Lisa, Al, and I. We would see them as I always had, at occasional family dinners, graduations, and weddings. Unfortunately, life seldom goes according to plan.
Christmas came and went, the saddest I had ever had. And then another and another. I learned to live with a giant whole in my heart. Carlos and I married in May of 2002. Still, we had not seen Zach and heard very little about him. He was doing well, we knew, and even had a sister now, Lydia who was also adopted and the same age as Zach, but it was all second-hand information. Following Zach’s birth and adoption, Lisa grew very distant and withdrew from all contact. All we could do was give her space. I thought for sure it was temporary, but years went by and we were always told the time wasn’t right. We could only wait. I clung to mementos from his birth and a few precious pictures I had collected from random places over the years. These and the daily prayers of my hopeful heart were all I had.
Twelve falls have come and gone, followed in the usual way by winter, and many things have changed. We have since been blessed with the birth of three more boys, and are living far from our home state of Texas as a Coast Guard family. But no matter where I had been, when September rolled around and the trees began to change, I had always found a quiet place in God’s wondrous world to send my whispers out hoping they would stir his heart as they had before.
God never leaves prayers unanswered or promises un-kept.
Now, another fall and winter come, but our thirteenth Christmas will not be spent without Zach or his sister, Lydia. Following the tragic loss of their mother to an inoperable brain tumor this September, we were reunited with Zach and his family. I cannot understand the need for the loss of Lisa, but as God so often does, he has created new hope from the ashes of this tragedy. Lisa has left a new hole that will never be filled, but together, Al, Carlos, and I are redefining a family for our children with a special place for everyone, surrounded in love and grounded in faith. It’s an exciting new chapter in our lives and the first of many Christmases in which we will count our many blessings and cherish each moment we have together.
