Look Back

This was a Facebook game I posted in my "Notes" on February 4, 2009 titled "25 Things About Me," in no particular order. Came across it today. Thought it would be fun to take a look back and see how far we've come! (Updates in green.)

1. I love the Imagination Movers and I'm watching them right now- with the boys, of course. If you have toddlers/preschoolers, you know who I'm talking about. Their music is Groovy! :o)

What can I say? Phases aren't just for kids.

2. I haven't told my husband yet, but I've got baby fever again... BAD! I'm so ready to try for #3.

Addie. Need I say more? ;o)

3. I never thought I was a big-dog person. Now, I have 4 Greyhounds living in my house and I realize I'm really not a big-dog person- I'm a Greyhound person! (They're not dogs; they're Greyhounds! There is a difference!)

Our grey-babies (2 of the 4 above were our pets; 2 were fosters) were rehomed when the Coast Guard moved us to Virginia. Now renters, we weren't able to have 3 dogs; 2 over 50 lbs. "Broken heart" describes it best.

4. I have the best Chihuahua in the world, too! Her name is Juno, but she only responds to "Junebug."

Junebug is still the best Chihuahua in the world, although I should disclose that she is part Min Pin as well. She misses the greyhounds very much, especially in the chilly Virginia fall nights.

5. You know how some men are attracted to butts, boobs, or other "sexy" women features? Well, my boys will most likely carry their love for bellies (and I don't mean the 6-pack-abs kind) into their adulthood. Someday, I'll have to explain and apologize to my daughters-in-law!

I guess a "Belly Blog" is the only thing that will explain this one! Stay tuned for that funny story!

6. Coco will be starting Kindergarten in the fall. I'm pretending to be brave, but I don't know what Juju and I are going to do during the days without him!

Coco is in 1st grade now. My "Be Brave" moment this year was letting him ride the school bus.

7. Though I've failed at numerous Direct Sales opportunities (Party Lite, Stampin' Up, and Creative Memories), I'm giving it another go with Thirty One Gifts. Ask me about it!

I'm no longer doing Thirty One (my status is currently "inactive"), but it wasn't a failure. After a year of successful parties, a new baby, and a relocation, I decided to retire. :o)

8. My parents (all 4) were not perfect, but perfection is overrated. They made me who I am today- full of imperfections myself, and I'm OK with that. The most important thing I've learned? I've learned to recognize people's best qualities, as well as their flaws and love them FOR these- not inspite of them.

I'd also like to add that being a "friend" is about working through the tough stuff. You may not always agree or be happy with the other person. What makes you true friends is coming out on this other side stronger. Walking away is NOT an option! I am blessed to have a few of these.

9. I'm almost thirty, but I'm still learning new things everyday; including who I am.

I'm thirty-one years one month and two days old now, and I'd say I've learned more about myself in the last few years than all of the previous years put together. Your twenties are highly overrated.

10. The most difficult thing about being a military wife and moving around is knowing when to hold back- guard yourself- when meeting new people. That may sound strange, but I've learned being an open book is NOT a good thing. I've been burned by the most unexpected people/things.

11. One day, I WILL BE organized! Hopefully with the help of my friend's "Clutter Keeper."

It's a work in progress!

12. I have a lot of great ideas, but I'm horrible at follow through.

13. I love being a stay-at-home mom and wife. It is the most important job,... but I don't want to get lost in it.

Balance. I have found my balance.

14. I move furniture around on a regular basis to feel refreshed. I think it drives CJ a little crazy!

15. Thrift store shopping is the best! There's nothing like going on a "treasure hunt" with Coco and Juju.

16. I'll always have a special place in my heart for Texas, but I've really fallen in love with Mobile, AL!

I'm loving Virginia this time around, too! It was just so hard to let go of Texas and all our family the first time around that I don't think I gave VA a chance.

17. I didn't make a New Year's Resolution... I make resolutions everyday that I struggle to fullfill.

18. I measure success in happiness.

19. I read more now than I ever read in school. My favorite books are all "Chick Lit."

20. My favorite days are cold, clear winter days with a gentle wind- days just like today!

And today!

21. I'm a little jealous of the opportunities my younger sisters have, but mostly I'm happy for them and very proud of them! I hope they've learned from my mistakes.

But more than that, I hope they just live.

22. Someday, I will meet a certain little boy and he will KNOW me.

He's not so little anymore, but he does know me now. My world is whole again!

23. I love the sound of my children giggling.

24. I love the peace and serenity of a beach when I'm the only one there. No touristy beaches for me- something with a local feel to it, like Dauphin Island.

25. Every women holds a secret close to her heart. Mine is... you didn't really think I was going to tell you, did you?

Boys Are Too Funny (and Gross)

I have to warn you, this story falls under the TMI category, but it was too funny not to share. :o)

Just moments ago, Juju told me with the most serious of faces, "Mommy, I didn't know butts could make colors!"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, because I truly had no idea what he meant. In my best Mommy's-trying-to-be-calm voice with every worst case scenario running through my mind I asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I just went poo and it was green... really green!"

I know this may sound strange to anyone without children, but hearing "green poo" was best case scenario here. I was sure he meant something far worse involving tushies and paints and, more than likely carpets or walls. You just never know with the frat boys I have running around this house!

So, after I had a good laugh, I reminded him he had had a blue raspberry Italian Ice at a Hunt Club birthday party yesterday. Naturally, (maybe "unnaturally" would be more appropriate here) the massive amounts of blue dye in any frozen treat will, as we've experienced so often in the past, turn poo green. You'd think they could just add the flavoring! But, what fun would it be if your customers didn't experience the Smurf faces, hours of soaking laundry, and, of course, the green poo?

A little side note here- CJ bought two Italian Ices that day. In addition to the bright blue raspberry for Juju, he allowed Coco to get the really red cherry despite the other color/flavor combos being a colorless lemon and a dull orange colored mango. I'm all for fun, but I shamelessly (and for selfish reasons) encourage the low dye flavors. Can you tell who does the laundry and wipes the butts in our home?

Anyway, that's my little ditty for the day.

No Words

I have tried and failed at all attempts to blog about the events and subsequent feelings of last week. There are currently 2 unpublished entries from yesterday and 1 from several months back just sitting in my Blogger dashboard hoping I will return to make some sense of the original words when I can't even make sense of the emotions.

Those who know me in the "real" world know the beginnings of this story from 13 years back when I was pregnant at 18 and due to deliver a baby boy in mid-December. Carlos and I were not married, but had been dating since the beginning of our senior year of High School. Not the ideal situation for 2 graduating teens, but life is rarely ideal. I cannot even begin to tell you the chaos that engulfed my heart and head with the decisions we faced. Still I put on a brave front and though I wanted desperately to be a mother, we chose to allow a couple I had grown up with to adopt him. They named him Zach. It may have been the most selfless thing I've ever done, as I've been told by many people, but it was, by far the hardest as well. The turmoil of emotions has never gone away; it has merely faded a little over time.

I thought I had made some sense out of it all, until about a year ago when my mom called to tell me that Lisa (my mother's sister's sister-in-law and the mother of Zach) had been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Her time in this life was running out, and far quicker than anyone could imagine. I hadn't had much contact with her over the years despite my thinking at 18 that I would, but my heart broke and into so many tiny pieces. It broke for her, knowing she wouldn't see her children graduate, marry, or have children of their own- a thought that, as a mother, I could hardly imagine. It broke for the thousands of children who would never know her as their favorite teacher, as so many had in several elementary schools in the Houston area. But mostly it broke for the lives of her own babies, Zach and a daughter, Lydia they had also adopted not long after, now both 12 years old. To be 12 and losing your mother was a pain I could not fathom and it made me a little angry. My choosing her to be the mother of my son was nothing short of God's plan, but why now was she being taken away from him before her job was done? I struggled with this. I know God has great plans that we are not always privy to, but my human brain just couldn't (and still can't) comprehend the need for such sadness.

I would occasionally get reports as her illness progressed and her body grew weak. I prayed daily. I didn't believe it was unreasonable to expect a miracle, but mostly I asked for comfort and acceptance of God's will, whatever it may be, for the family she would leave behind. Consumed by thoughts of her struggle, old wounds were split wide open and, like a flood, I was engulfed again.

Last week, I got the call. In a few precious moments with her brother (my uncle) and her mother, Lisa had taken her final breath. Lisa was free from her pain and finally at peace. Now, in the wake of this loss, her family- her children, her mother, and her brothers and sisters could begin their grieving and subsequent healing.

With the family's approval, I attended the funeral services. I needed to pay my respects and I needed closure, same as anyone. It was just a bit more than awkward though. I had been told Zach knew he had been adopted, but he didn't know who I was. We had had one chance encounter at my cousin's graduation 2 or 3 years ago. Other than that, I had seen him only in a few precious pictures I had collected from random places over the years like Christmas cards sent to my grandmother or a Thank You note written to my mother. Meeting him, getting to know him was a day I had dreamed of since God created his tiny little life in my belly. I did not, however, want our introduction, as I was told would finally happen, to coincide with his loss or his grief. Though I had already waited what seemed like an eternity, it was inappropriate and it was not the time. Still, if I was honest with myself, seeing him would overwhelm me with joy, even if he didn't know me.

Flying is my very least favorite way of travel, but as I made my way to Houston, 8 month old Adrian in tow, I let the waves of sorrow and joy, confusion and fear wash over me. Again, I prayed for God's will and for the strength to swallow that sometimes over-sized pill. It's strange how a plane full of people can still be a peaceful and quiet place to reflect and can make you feel ever so slightly closer to heaven.

Thursday was the visitation. My mother-in-law kept Adrian and I was grateful. It gave me the opportunity to grieve without worrying about my little guy. Seeing Lisa was strange. She had been so sick and though I know they did their best to make her look like herself, it just wasn't the same woman I knew. My uncle had created a slide show depicting her life to display as people came and went. It was amazing and truly captured her spirit, lessening the blow of how her body had withered in the final days of life. It reminded us of what a happy and wonderful life she had lived though the consensus was that it had been too short. There was a bittersweet sting to the photos though. Many of them, of course included pics of Zach growing up. Seeing these and seeing him was almost more than I could bare, but I gained my composure by reminding myself I was there for Lisa.

The funeral was Friday morning, and though I would have chosen not to have Adrian with me then, I had no choice but to take him. It was a nice service where Lisa was remembered and celebrated by friends and family. I'm convinced every student she had ever taught would've been there if they could've been. Following the service, while waiting for the pallbearers to walk the casket out, we congregated in the foyer where I introduced Adrian to some of the family and I noticed Zach looking at me in a very different way from the night before. Seeing Adrian was like looking at a baby Zach. There was no mistaking their resemblance. I leaned over to my friend. "Jackie, he knows!"

Suddenly, I got really nervous. How would all this play out? And why now? I did my best to continue conversations and to act normal, but inside I was breaking. I had just convinced myself (and accepted) it would be Christmas before anything more happened- just another "wait for the right time."

But just before lunch at my aunt and uncle's home, everything changed. Zach's dad, Al said he wanted to get a picture of Addie and me with Zach. I thought he was crazy! He's a smart kid, wouldn't he figure it all out if he hadn't already? He insisted it would all be fine. Imagine my surprise when I came out holding the baby and Zach introduced himself, "Hi, Adrian! I'm your big brother!"

Is your jaw on the floor? Mine was.

The moment I had agonized over daily for years had just caught me by total surprise. There were no words. But there were plenty of cameras, and though I'm grateful for it now, it was a little awkward at the time. I don't know how many people were there, but it felt like we were surrounded. Incredible joy and relief swept over me, and I really struggled to contain this. I shared a few pictures of Carlos, Christian, and Julian with him and told him how long we had waited for this. It was a lot to take in. I wanted to steal him away from everyone there and find a place where we could just figure it all out, but thought better of it. (First impressions are important; let him find out I'm crazy later, right?) It wasn't easy, but I thought it was best just to leave it with that little introduction and give him some space and time to absorb it all. I think time might've been what I needed, too. Too many highs and lows in one day just isn't good for the crazies, if you know what I mean.

I came down from my high pretty quick that night. Fear set in and by the next morning I was down in the dumps again. What if it had all been too quick for him? Would it be unreasonable for him to have been angry with me? What if he didn't even like me? What if his only interest was to meet his brothers?

Let me tell you, there were about a million other questions that overwhelmed me and not many of them, if any at all were good scenarios. Anxiety, panic, fear... how much more could I take? It was then I called Shell to meet for brunch. I had to get out of the house and shake this off. In the few minutes that I had before Shell was meeting me, I made a last minute decision to visit Lisa's grave and search for some sort of peace and understanding about it all. I'm not sure I found understanding, but within an hour after brunch, Al called asking if I was interested in meeting the kids for dinner Monday after school. Did he really have to ask? Maybe this was Lisa's blessing. I told myself it was; I felt it in my heart. I wasn't going to fight this anymore. "Just let it happen, Nik!"

My nerves were shot and I was a total wreck when Monday rolled around, but my mom (my rock) was by my side when we strolled in (late) to the restaurant. Immediately, my fears dissipated and my nerves were calmed. Seeing Zach and Lydia again was just what I needed. However this continued, it had to be a good thing. I was left that night with a great happiness words cannot describe. I won't say I haven't had moments of darkness and panic since then, but what I can tell you is, though we may be the blind leading the blind here, we are moving forward. This is just the beginning; just another chapter and, baby, this is gonna be a good book!

A Preschool Problem

Juju got his first homework assignment for Preschool today. I know I'm no grammar expert, and I'm sure as you're reading this you will find several errors if you are, but I was a bit disturbed when I began looking over the teacher's instructions for the assignment and found myself rereading it several times. It was full of grammatical errors and my brain just wasn't getting it!

I certainly wouldn't want to embarass this teacher; we like her very much, and I would never voice my opinion (or concern) to Juju, but one has to wonder. Was her "Grammar Check" just off? Was she in a hurry? Did she use another person's letter and just not proof-read it? Or has she just spent too much time speaking to 3 & 4 year olds?

Let me be clear- a few mistakes are alright, and even "human," but this was bad!

I don't know. Maybe I'm being overly critical, but see for yourself and comment if you feel so inclined. I've copied the letter below, word for word, comma for comma (or lack of comma, as the case may be), and perhaps you will understand:

"Dear Parents,
I am allowing the children to develop their own classroom rule book, but they will need your help in doing this.
I have explain to them I would like them to help me make a book of rules for the classroom so everybody can be safe and have more fun. I have given each child a piece of paper and ask each child to think of a rule that he or she thinks is important. Next I have also ask him or her to draw a picture of it. This is where you come in, please help them write sentences about the rules as your child dictate it. This is a homework project for both you and your child to do together. Please return it back on Wednesday or sooner if possible. I look forward to seeing what the both of you have come up with.
HAPPY RULEING TOGETHER......

Sincerely,
Your teacher..."

So? Is it me or is there a problem here? I don't know a whole lot about this woman, but when we met her she was well-spoken and seemed experienced, so I'm just assuming this was a fluke. Still, she's teaching my son. Now I'm not yanking him out of school or anything, but I would like to see a little more pride and professionalism in the teacher's work. Can I get an "Amen?"